Moving on

I know, I know. I said no more Emma but I can't help my dreams.

I had a bizarre one this morning. I was upstairs in my old childhood house near Salisbury. I suddenly became aware Emma was staying with me and wanted to be with her/realised I should be. I went downstairs to the lounge where she was sat on a sofa that had its back to the patio door, which it never did when I was there. She was upset and said she felt like a loser and I had a fleeting thought that might mean things had gone wrong with her current partner. But my overwhelming desire was to be alone with her to express my feelings and that couldn't be done in the house. My mum was hovering somewhere out of eye shot, my sister came and said something friendly to Em and then disappeared towards the patio door and I was aware that James Oxford was in the dining area. Besides, I remember thinking that in her current state Emma did not look at her best appearance wise and I didn't want my friend to judge her. (I don't know what you see in her sort of thing).I said I couldn't talk to her there, could we go for a walk? For some reason, in that brief exchange she became topless, only the breasts were not her real ones. They were a larger, pointier pair. No idea what that was about. Anyway, we left the house and I looked back through to the dining room, seeing James on his laptop. I knew he was in China but I also knew he was there and I knew there was no contradiction. At that point the dream started to break up as I surfaced too near waking consciousness. I kind of knew it was a dream, anyway. I am practically always intermittently and semi-lucid in my dreams. I know they are a conceptual tool and I often say to myself, "It's only a dream, anyway" or seem to have this meta awareness or underlying DVD commentary thing going on sometimes. The waking mind observing the dream mind. And my dreams have a very hazy and jump-cutty quality that could never be mistaken for real life. Not like Emma's dreams, which are hyper real. Anyway, extremely unusually the dream re-assembled again for a few more frames. We were now in the car. I was on the back seat, Emma seemed to be in the driver's seat and her partner sat infront of me. Emma said, "Say the words Emma and I have broken up." So I said, "Emma and I have broken up." Then her partner started asking me about Bangor. What course I was doing and so on, as if he didn't really believe I was going to university. After that I woke up.

Two or three weeks ago I reached the age Emma was when I met her. I dated her in reality for 3 months, I've been dating her in a strange fantasy world for 18 more. I've no doubt it is because I've had no life since Emma and I broke up. I've been stuck in a time capsule waiting for the next chapter.